My 126th Post: You Still Exist

Things have changed, routine is back on its track, life is again calling me back only what isn't there is your presence....I don't see you around me any more...you don't fight with me over tiny things....you don't make me jealous by sharing your things with others rather than me...you don't every time greet me with your smile because you aren't here...you are gone and you won't ever do any of these again....you don't exist in my life any more but that would be a lie and you know I don't lie....
It is a general concept that once a person leaves you physically, that person is gone forever....well this is logically correct but heart fights with logic....it believes in stuff which a sane mind wouldn't agree to...so what if the person isn't standing in front of you, that person is still around you...no matter how badly you want that someone to go, their little things remind you of them....even at times when you are missing them badly, you don't rely upon a reason to remember them and to see their face....no matter what you do, they are always there specially when they left without saying a proper good bye....
There are people whom you wish to delete from your heart and mind but you are just not able to and there are those whom you never want to lose and you keep collecting reasons to keep them in your heart and keep them alive in your life....though their absence hurts but still their ghostly presence soothes you down and glows your heart....I always have believed that life isn't really tough, we are the ones making it tougher by each passing day but, it is tough when you lose someone who was a part of your daily life....there are reasons for people to die and leave us behind and we aren't strong enough to clearly understand those and have to accept the fact that they left us....honestly, it really is tough....I never thought it would be that tough because I thought I have a tough heart but the fact is, even the toughest hearts melt when a loved one moves on.....
Little things are keeping her alive....like yesterday, I was given a pack of jellies because the shopkeeper didn't have change...though I love jellies but she loved them more....or right now, I went out to check the house and I opened the room where she slept....there were some blankets huddled up on her bed and for a moment I was like she is here and it all was a bad dream but no, sadly this is real and she is gone....she wasn't the one trying to sleep, it just was her bed with stuff upon it....so these are random things which I guess are irritating at times but honestly even without them, I still see my sis from place to place.....
No matter what, you still exist...not only for today or tomorrow, for each coming day of my life...Insha-Allah one day when I would have your nephews and your nieces, I would tell them about you and would take care of the fact that you become a part of their little world as well.....I never said this when you were here but you would always be missed by us and by me because no one is there to fight like you any more....

My 125th Post: And Then There Were Four

There is a rule of this world, we come alone and we die alone...doesn't matter how many friends we make or relations we succeed, we leave them behind without giving them any right to our time of death...they hang around to see one's body getting laid deep down the ground and shed tears but that doesn't affects the one descended to a place from where there is no return....losing someone is not that easy as one thinks it might be....no matter how much you fight or hate someone, after that someone dies, the world crashes...maybe for a while but still the life gets sucked out of your body....no matter how strong one might be, it is not always easy to hold back....
 When we grow up, we find people in our life in different relations...some act as our parents, some as our siblings and others as friends or foes.....we just get attached to them with time....their little things matter to us and become a part of our daily routines....they become just like a computer program which is incomplete without certain steps....without these people, life seems to hit a pause and nothing seems right.....everything messes up and the mind gets trapped in a maze with walls surrounding each exit.....
I have been trying to write this post from the first day but didn't have the strength to type....honestly speaking, I still don't think am strong enough to pour my heart out in front of you all....usually my posts are my thoughts about things happening around us but this post is purely filled up with my feelings....I just want to write and I think it is fair for my sister that I publish this article online....though she didn't read my work, she always appreciated my efforts and boosted me to write and always had a hope served in a tray for me so that I don't feel as if losing once ends each and every efforts....
On the morning of 2nd April 2014, we the family of five lost one member and now are left with the number four....I lost my sister on that morning....she crashed in the hospital....to be honest with you all, am a different kind of a guy....I really don't understand the type of love I have for people and I really don't know whether I loved her or not and I can't evaluate that....I know that I wanted always to be there for her, I know I wanted to secure her future the best way I could and I know that though we fought always, I never could watch her getting her dose of injections....I don't know whether that is love or not but I do know that she was a part of my life and she would always be there in my heart....I know that her death has shaken me up and turned my insides upside down....I know I miss her fights and her stuff....if that is love then maybe I did love her...maybe that is why I can't stand near her grave without a tear in my eye and maybe that is why I can't talk about her with people and maybe that is why I just can't keep my eyes dry while writing this down....I am strong masha-Allah but still am a human....
There is a lot to share but I don't think I would be able to do that right now so maybe in time I might write something else but I don't think I would post it here....but before ending I would just share, she fought with me on the day of her death and that proved that she recognized me where as she wasn't recognizing anyone else....
Do pray for her soul to be accepted in Jannat and may Allah save her from the torments of Hell....do keep her in your prayers.....